Child is the father of the man - so said William Wordsworth (1770-1850) in his poem titled 'The Rainbow'. I heard it long time back, it registered in my mind subconsciously somewhere, and then came out the trigger where OMNI suggested the topic of parenthood to its citizen journalists.
Life is beautiful. We may not often realize this in our day to day routine lives or difficulties, more so in journalism where we report more on the wrongs than the rights. The world and nature may not as complex as human civilization and society is, world and nature follows universal rules. In human civilization and society, rulers claim same, however in effect there are two sets of universal rules if not more. The rule to be applied for any case does not depend on the merit of the case alone, but more on the background of the participants on that case.
Journalists (and citizen journalists alike) focus more on those 2nd and subsequent sets of universal rules.
But there seldom are 2nd or subsequent sets of parenthood. So I thought of not letting this opportunity go. And thereby I got into some basic research on parenthood and our story of parenthood, keeping aside my academic research.
Things can wait. What don't wait are time...and the growing up of our son. And this experience of sharing this with a few other parents (or would be parents) is so much fulfilling that it must be done. All love stories sound same but still is unique in the eyes of any lover, similarly the mention of parenthood brightens up any parent anywhere.
Today I wish there were more stories on parenthood than there are love stories. Married men would probably agree more (my apologies to the other sex, including my wife who has agreed to join me in coauthoring this article. Any more such remark and she may walk-off!).
On a serious note, nothing teaches you in life more than life itself. Well, coming back to the words of Wordsworth - I could not make out the true worth of those few words till now. Let me confess, it's still not that clear to me (like 2+2 makes four, however with that mindset one should not approach in finding the meaning of those words). However few ideas came through simple but powerful Google search which makes research a kid's play and so much fun now-a-days.
A revisit to the context of those words below (The Rainbow, 1807):
My heart leaps up when I behold
A rainbow in the sky:
So was it when my life began;
So is it now I am a man;
So be it when I shall grow old,
Or let me die!
The Child is father of the Man;
I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety
There's no mention of any son or daughter there...it's more of an inner reflection and the process of growing up.
In the poetry archive,
General Discussion (Phorum 5), Marian-NYC offered following explanation :
'I want to never outgrow that part of being a child. "So let it be when I am old."
And here went another by Just Jack
Before my son, Conor was born I was just a guy. Nothing special. Nothing to lose. I did my share of stupid things, knowing they were stupid. Maybe more than my share. Since his birth I have a new take on things. I have a new role in life. I don't think I'm anything special, but now when a questionable situation arises I have to consider 'What kind of example am I setting for him?'
Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be a saint or anything. It's just that now that I have a son, it's important to do the right thing. I want to be a man he can be proud of.
As far as Wordsworth goes, I guess it could be this. A father is the guy you count on to keep you in line. I don't speak for anybody else, but he is the reason I keep myself in line.'
The site also has some nice words 'On Children' where it states 'Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself'
So what's my/our story of parenthood. There are so many of those as any parents would say. To start with one universally accepted one (and as explained by father of either Larry or Segrey - I don't remember which one of the co-founders of Google) for the Dennis the Menace like little naughty ones we have at our homes 'he (either Larry or Sergey) was good in his childhood when he was alseep'.
That's on the funnier side. However deep in my heart now I feel that I take more from my son than I give. My wife (did someone say as usual?) cribs that I don't give him time, however I know sooner or later would come a period when our today's five-tear old won't give me time. As the old experienced principal of his school, Calcutta Boys School, explained to us - 'Hold your youngsters
fingers as long as you can when you take them out; because as they grow and take pride in being independent, they won't allow that privilege to you later'.
We did not plan for Sonu. The best things in life happen. Like any first-time parents, we were apprehensive about the forthcoming challenges and demands that parenthood would bring. I thought I was not yet ready, Mithu - co-author and my wife had to pursue her Doctoral studies. Now we Thank God that it happened.
I was in corporate world - at times being away from my family for more than half of the time in managing my role between Mumbai and Kolkata. Later on as I was not heading anywhere in my job, and as I had keen interest to pursue academics, I enrolled for a PhD program (Indian Institute of Technology, Kharagpur) in the middle of my thirties thereby endangering my family from the ensconce of a stable income. So long all household activities were managed by my wife alone. Yes, I was one of the self-centered persons happy in delegating all family responsibilities to Mithu (here Mithu is absolutely right and laughs at my confession). So once my status in the family as a wage-earner gone, I volunteered to Mithu to help her in few of her regular household activities.
She entrusted me to take Sonu, our son, to the car pick-up point on his way to the school in the morning. Sonu goes to the school in car-pool (a concept ike school bus, but a car takes the position of the car). First few days, there was a strange feeling of degradation that got into me. That's the same time earlier I used to get ready to go to office after browsing the morning papers,
and now, without a job I am holding my son's hand in that 3-4 minutes walk to the pick-up point. A strange feeling used to hurt me as Sonu used to chat with all our neighbors on his way to the point.
For a few days. The strange stupid feeling has now gone and now I wish I could hold those little fingers as I walk down in the morning Sun for a few minutes to take him to that pick-up point. He babbles to me on his way never knowing when to keep quite or shut-up, earlier I was less attentive. Now I try to be more attentive, and at times start a discussion on my own. At times he
asks me not to speak much when he sees any known face close by.
Then there are other funny moments with scope of introspection. To control his watching cartoons over TV, Mithu took the extreme step of locking those channels; and we lied to him. I was not too sure on the correctness of this, as sooner and later, with his growing technical prowess - he is likely to catch our trick. However Mithu knows what's best for Sonu (and I know she has so far been right, so I don't argue), however when he appeals to us to talk to the cable-
operator about restoring those channels, a guilty conscience bites me. Then on the other day, as my father visited us, I saw my neighboring two generations were watching some channels (like Animal Planet/National geohraphic), and during a commercial break, an ad-line went with voice-over TV commercials saying 'Very Very Sexy'. We knew Sonu speaks the same thing along with that commercial, but so far did not know (neither we know now) whether to say anything, and if
yes, what to say. Mithu and I looked from a distance on any visible reaction from my father, and expectedly, we saw none. I don't remember to have uttered that three-lettered word in front of my father ever in my life. Should such ads be aired in programs meant for kids? We aren't sure. Sonu misconstrues mating over such channels as another round of pre-mating fights as prevalent
in many animal species, I fumbled couple of times explaining him the difference, but can't claim success as of now.
Offsprings bring fresh airs in married life. One can spend time with them hour after hour without being tired, unfortunately we don't do that. On the walls of a school in Kharagpur, as it catches my attention on my frequent visits to-and-from Kolkata are written following line:
'Your kids need your presence more than your presents'.
Other than Sonu and Nature, I can't think of spending days and months alone with anyone else together in close proximity without bringing in some bitterness. That's true for Mithu as well. We love each other - but that blind love that brought us together 18 years ago (we shared ten-years affair before our marriage) has now been replaced by trust and mutual unspoken dependence on
each other. It's Mithu who binds our family together today. We scold him at times, he cries - but in the very next moment all is forgotten and he smiles and jumps with us, and no baggage are carried forward. That's what otherwise we do in our civilized society too often and as stated by the
master song-writer Dylan in the
'Gates of Eden' "With no attempts to shovel the glimpse
Into the ditch of what each one means
At times I think there are no words
But these to tell what's true
And there are no truths outside the Gates of Eden"
There are trade-offs in life, and they have never been as stark as in present time. As we move ahead, the trade-offs would be even higher. These are essentially between money and time. I wish I had the money that I earned in my corporate job along with the quality of time and mental frame to enjoy my time the way I liked. I can't say that I have overcome that altogether - I no longer
jealously look at the corporate parties in five star hotels in which we no longer are a part of. We wish we could as human expectations don't have any limit. However what I am trying to learn in this parenthood phase of my life is never to trade-off a simple get together with my family against
whatever be the offer in a corporate platter. Or that of money can buy many things, but not time and neither it can buy quality time. As it's said, the best things of life are always free. So why trade-off limited time with unlimited money-supply, more so in many of the jobs that we do (I was in business development) where in many occasions one needs to sale his soul to be a
successful sales-manager. Many times we aren't pleased to meet someone, but the pleasantries of life teaches us to lie to each-other and say blatantly 'pleased to meet you'.
With our sons and daughters, there's no such attempt to 'shovel the glimpse
into the ditch of what each one means'. Our unspoken words, body languages and surroundings speak the same language when we spend time with our little devils.
Sonu would grow up. As he grows, I can sense the signs of changing times blow in that morning wind. And now I feel how stupid I had been in awarding all these privileges to our Mithu (Mithu asks me to take all the associated responsibilities - and not something for few minutes only).
Dylan, the master said 'What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.' In present competitive society as we are taught to be successful, to be rich, to raise fast, etc. we often forget that all those are there to make life beautiful and happy. Sonu and our sons and daughters continuously teach us many of those important lessons that grown-ups know, but seldom apply.
Sometimes looking at the issues of terrorism, climate change, income divide, we get a feeling that it won't be a good world that we would be leaving behind for our offsprings. Echoing the words of Just-Jack and borrowing from a Native-American quote, "Treat the earth well: it was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children. We do not inherit the Earth from our Ancestors, we borrow it from our Children."
Wish we could give them a beautiful world in lieu of the beautiful moments they give us...and thank God and Nature for bestowing us with the wonderful feelings called love, and parenthood.
Thanks to OMNI for the story-idea. And our final take is no trade-off is worth pursuing that comes on our way of being responsible parents. We aren't sure whether we are responsible parents, however we try to be one, and there's continuous learning here too like the learning curve that management world talks
about often.
Parenthood is a wonderful learning experience...
